#45

This entry is written on Saturday, 17 Mar 07.

I have not been able to reflect for some time.

Not because of lack of time. Rather, my words have deserted me.

It has been a few weeks of tremendous change and stress. The moving, the mold and mites problems in my room, school work, etc etc. However, one thing above all reaches the depths of my soul.

3 weeks ago, my grandma, who played a huge part in bringing me up, had a near-fatal stroke. She had been unconscious for most of the time now. For the past weeks, the doctor has told us many times that she might not survive the next few days and that she will not wake up again. But once in a while, she will awake and start talking softly. However, her words make no sense then.

Every time I visit her, she always seems to be in pain. She looks so frail, so drained, so lifeless. How long can I bear this?

Words have deserted me. How to express how I feel?

Every time I leave her ward, I will tell her “Ah Ma, bye bye.” I tell her that every time I leave the house when I was younger, and every time when I came home to visit during the weekends in recent years. I believe hearing something familiar will make her feel better. And that every goodbye when I leave the hospital might be the last she hears from me.

I am sure she can hear me.

But today, I know she can hear me.

I held my hand on her shoulder and whispered into her ear. “Ah Ma, I have come to see you.” She responds - she nods slowly.

Then my mum asks her “Renjie has come to see you… are you happy?”

She nods.

And a tear rolls down her eye.

…

I just sat there beside her. Knowing that she knows I am there. She has never responded to me for the past three weeks. Now she has.

So I just sat there. Words have deserted me. But I don’t mind. There is not need for words.

She knows I am there. And she’s happy I am there.

.
.
.

My mum passes me a tissue. “Don’t be too sad.”

It is her way of telling me, “It is ok to cry…”

.
.
.

When I was leaving, I whispered to my grandma, “Ah Ma, I got to go.”

She replied with a soft “Mm”.

“Ah Ma, you rest well hor?”

“Mm”

“Ah Ma, bye bye.”